19/02/2024
This is not a happy story… So if you’re here to get amused or for entertainment, you’re probably gonna be disappointed.
This is a story about the most constant and beautiful thing I have ever did in my life…
I was forever this impulsive, rebellious and wild girl. I couldn’t finish anything, because I liked so many things! I never had the patience to master anything, or to end things, because I got bored so easily about anything. If I liked something, (or someone) I would become obsessed, I would abuse it, then I would get bored of it, and get to something new.
It was shallow. I know.
But… at some point in my life, when I realised that this pattern was wrong because I was hurting everyone around me, including myself, I took a decision.
That I need to create a new Ema.
I had to create the Ema who is disciplined, constant and, no matter how hard it gets, she finishes what she starts. I had to create a Finisher Ema.
So I did it.
I searched and I tried stuff, until I found something… that kept me in love with it for 8 years now. Actually in March this year I would celebrate 8 years of this habit. The only habit that I had for this long.
I’m talking about… running.
Running has always been my freedom.
My escape from everything and anyone…
When I am running, it’s simply me, and my body — my muscles, my mind and most importantly — my soul, my heart.
Running IS my heart.
It saved me from my failures, it disciplined me, it made me patient, it pushed me back on track after my divorce, it cured ALL my health problems, it kept me sane, it forever was my super-power. If I had a hungover or skipped a night, it didn’t matter for me, I could forever run a 10k, no matter the time or the context. Damn, I even ran a day after a surgery to feel better!
I ran happy, I ran angry, I ran sad, I ran alone and I ran with friends and loved ones. I ran at day, night, rain, storm, heat-stroke, mountains, asphalt, sand, I was the Goddess of running!
I skipped parties and clubbing because I had some marathon the next week and it would decrease my cardio resistance.
I gave up sleep and chocolate cookies for running. (and damn I love chocolate cookies!)
I refused city-breaks because I had to get up at 5 AM to go for a run in December at -10 degrees…
Running was the first time I learned how to love myself. Running taught me to respect myself.
I remember I once did a Trail Ultramarathon of 90km in the Apuseni Mountains! That was one of the best memories of my life and one of my life’s greatest achievements!
I felt complete for the first time in my life. Wholesome. Astral, somehow, I don’t know.
When I was running, I was unstoppable.
It defined me.
It defined the way I kept pushing no matter how tired, bored, or thirsty I was. I taught me how to train my mind to be a winner.
It was the habit I was most proud of!
And now I lost it.
I’m sitting here, in front of my laptop, listening to some classical music and feeling sorry for myself. I feel so bad… I’m so disappointed in myself…
What has happened to me?
Why are my legs so heavy? Why is my rhythm so slow? Where is the dedication I was so proud of? Where is the ton of energy I had all the time?
Where is the Ema I created then?
I can’t find her and I miss her so much…
“-Why am I this lazy and pathetic creature? I don’t have even the impulsiveness I used to have, I mean if not discipline, at least make some stupid decisions, but do… something!
-ANYTHING!!!
-Why are you so lazy?
-Get up and run!!!!!!!!”
I screamed at myself for a few weeks now.
Nothing.
She simply doesn’t want to perform. She simply isn’t there anymore.
I feel my body so tired and heavy.
I am stuck.
It’s true — I am stuck. I am weak and pathetic, and stuck.
That’s it.
I guess I failed at creating a Finisher Ema, after all.
